NORFOLK, VIRGINIA (The Borowitz Report) - Eleven indicted Somali
pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that
their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant
Goldman Sachs.
There was an audible gasp in court when the leader of the pirates
announced, "We are doing God's work. We work for Lloyd Blankfein."
The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in dubloons
last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis' work for Goldman,
explaining that the pirates forcibly attacked ships that Goldman had
already shorted.
"We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day was casual
Friday," the pirate said.
The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations with
Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed
regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, "plus to get our
share of the bailout money."
In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government prosecutors
were scrambling to see if they still had a case against the Somali
pirates, who would now be treated as bankers in the eyes of the law.
"There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they
were, in fact, pirates," one government source said. "But if they're
bankers, our hands are tied."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-borowitz/somali-pirates-say-they-a
_b_550586.html
pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that
their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant
Goldman Sachs.
There was an audible gasp in court when the leader of the pirates
announced, "We are doing God's work. We work for Lloyd Blankfein."
The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in dubloons
last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis' work for Goldman,
explaining that the pirates forcibly attacked ships that Goldman had
already shorted.
"We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day was casual
Friday," the pirate said.
The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations with
Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed
regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, "plus to get our
share of the bailout money."
In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government prosecutors
were scrambling to see if they still had a case against the Somali
pirates, who would now be treated as bankers in the eyes of the law.
"There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they
were, in fact, pirates," one government source said. "But if they're
bankers, our hands are tied."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-borowitz/somali-pirates-say-they-a
_b_550586.html